Good Luck and God Speed, BO (and KO)

This is the letter President Obama left for the incoming president, Donald Trump with a few additional comments by me. It was a lovely letter. No offense, President Obama. It was just missing a few things.

Dear Mr. President -

Congratulations on a remarkable run.

(And, by remarkable he means, it’s worth remarking on. I mean, how did you con millions of people into believing you were capable of faithfully executing the duties of President of the United States? THAT’S remarkable.)

Millions have placed their hopes in you,

(not as many millions as had placed their hopes in Hillary Clinton, but that’s for another conversation)

and all of us, regardless of party, should hope for expanded prosperity and security during your tenure.

(Confession: After your “I love war” statement, I decided the best I could hope for is that others prevent you from fecking up the prosperity and security we’ve grown to appreciate during the last administration. And, Obama is right, we SHOULD hope. But, frankly my hope died when you were elected. It took a lot to kill it. I mean, I’ve been holding out hope for a pony since I was 5, (I’m a hoper!) but when you bragged about sexually assaulting a woman, mocked a disabled reporter, a gold-star family, made disparaging comments about Mexicans and Muslims, weren’t immediately dropped from the ticket and THEN got elected, I held a burial for my hope in my backyard with a popsicle stick cross to mark the spot.)

This is a unique office, without a clear blueprint for success, so I don't know that any advice from me will be particularly helpful.

(especially given your history of being unwilling to take advice from others who have more expertise than you).

Still, let me offer a few reflections from the past 8 years. First, we've both been blessed, in different ways, with great good fortune.

(Yes. After college, Obama attended an Ivy League law school, served others as a community organizer, financial researcher and writer, law professor teaching Constitutional Law and then served his country as an Illinois State Senator and US Senator before running for president. You got several significant loans from your father to continue the family real estate business and had a reality tv show.)

Not everyone is so lucky.

(I can attest to this. A little luck or millions of dollars in loans would have gone a long way toward changing the trajectory of my life. But, that’s a conversation for another time and place.)

It's up to us to do everything we can (to) build more ladders of success for every child and family that's willing to work hard.

(Note the word EVERY! Not just those who look and think like you!)

Second, American leadership in this world really is indispensable. It's up to us, through action and example, to sustain the international order that's expanded steadily since the end of the Cold War, and upon which our own wealth and safety depend.

(This is important. Right now our allies are scrambling to figure out ways to work around you. Get with it before you get us all killed. Allies are important.)

Third, we are just temporary occupants of this office. That makes us guardians of those democratic institutions and traditions -- like rule of law, separation of powers, equal protection and civil liberties -- that our forebears fought and bled for. Regardless of the push and pull of daily politics, it's up to us to leave those instruments of our democracy at least as strong as we found them.

(So far, you’ve earned an “F” in those areas. When it comes to rule of law, separation of powers, equal protection and civil liberties, it’s become abundantly clear, you don’t understand the Constitution or your duty to uphold it.)

And finally, take time, in the rush of events and responsibilities, for friends and family. They'll get you through the inevitable rough patches.

(In your case, the best way they can help you is to get you OUT of Washington. Melania doesn’t like you and it’s clear you don’t like her or treat her well. I’m not even a betting woman, but I’m going to put all my chips on “this marriage is a big, fat charade.” Your kids seem to care about you, but it’s hard to know if they’d be as attached to you if you were a middle-class working stiff. I mean, they probably believe they stand to inherit billions. But, until you release your tax returns, and until the investigation on your business dealings is complete, there’s really no way to know that, is there? We’ll see how that one plays out.)

Michelle and I wish you and Melania the very best as you embark on this great adventure, and know that we stand ready to help in any ways which we can.

(You should take him up on it, Donald. You need help.)

Good luck and Godspeed,

BO

(and KO)

Hey, Mother of Two. Buy a Dictionary.

In response to an infuriating blog entitled: I Am the Mother of Two and I Cannot (and Will Not) Support Feminism

Hey, mother of two children who cannot (and will not) support feminism.  I’m a mom, sister, cousin, aunt, friend, professor, nature lover, singer and actress, and I am proud to say that I am a feminist.  I’m proud because I actually know what the word means.  Feminism isn't about “disrespect.”  It’s about equality.

To those who have swallowed the Feminazi portrayal of feminists propagated by Rush Limbaugh and other misogynists who are threatened by the notion of women having equal rights in our society, I urge you to look at the reality rather than they hype.  If you’ve been convinced that feminism is about hating men, it may be time for you to turn the dial on your TV and radio station.   The message you’re getting has been distorted, either by the sender or through your own perception.  Contrary to what you’ve been led to believe, there is no war on men.  Stand down.  There is, however, a call by feminists for women to be treated like humans rather than objects. 

I have two young women and a young man whom I raised to be hardworking, loyal, decent people who treat others with respect.  However, unlike you, Mother of Two, I don’t want my son to treat women like princesses.  I want him to treat women as treasured equals, the way all humans should, ideally, be treated.  And, this seems to be where the confusion lies. 
 

Feminism and chivalry are not mutually exclusive.  And, good news!  Chivalry is not dead.  Rather, in my house it is, as intended,

extended to all.  You see, I want my son and daughters to hold the door open for the person behind them because it’s a polite thing to do, regardless of whether the person behind them through the door is a male or female.   And, when someone holds the door for them, I want them to say “thank you” and mean it.  It’s nice to be nice.   A young man opening the car door for his date is making a kind gesture.  That gesture is rendered meaningless if he subjugates his date via attitudes, expectations and behaviors that belie respect.   
  

You say you want to raise your boys to be gentlemen.  I applaud you for that.  The world needs more true gentlemen. I just hope that they don’t turn out to be the kind of "gentlemen" who believe women should NOT have the right to vote, or equal pay, or own land, or sign contracts or use contraceptives, or have maternity leave without fear of losing their jobs.  Historically, a lot of self-described gentlemen have rallied against women’s rights in the name of preserving traditional sex roles, all the while claiming they love and respect women and want to protect them.  Oh, and by protect them, what they really meant was--I need to have power over women, and should, because women are “less than.”  A true gentleman is both sensitive and respectful, not condescending.  I’m all for raising true gentlemen.  Carry on...

Unlike you, if a young girl dresses in a way that doesn’t strike me as “decent” (whatever that may mean to each of us) I don’t consider it an expression of radical feminism.  Instead of making me bristle with judgment, it makes me wonder—if our girls lived in a society that valued their brains, and humor, and other wonderful qualities and talents rather than hammering them, from birth, with messages saying their worth hinges upon being pretty, how would that affect their self-perceptions? When our young girls receive messages their entire lives pronouncing that their survival depends upon their ability to attract a man, how does that affect their choices?  If, as a woman, you make 23 percent less than a man for doing the same job, how might that affect your feelings of self-worth, and how might those feelings affect your life decisions? 

Because I raised two girls, in addition to a boy, I have a different perspective than you on the issue of what constitutes a threat.  You see, I want my girls to be safe, even if that means not responding to a hello or returning eye contact.  But, unlike your sons, my son doesn’t believe that eye contact and saying hello makes him a threat.  Perhaps that’s because he understands that it’s possible that a boy who smiles and makes eye contact and says hello IS a threat to his sisters, and therefore, it’s simply wise for women to be cautious.  That’s the reality in our society.  He doesn’t take it personally, or feel any shame for being a man.  He understands that we live in a world where women aren’t treated as equals and are often victims of sexual assault.   Knowing that doesn’t “suppress” his masculinity—it enhances it. 

         As a white male, he has privileges that his sisters and people of color don’t.  For him to claim that he’s somehow being discriminated against and made to feel bad for being a man would be an insult to all who have struggled and fought for equal rights—rights that may now exist on record (for some) thanks to our feminist friends of the past and present, but do not always exist in practice.  There’s still a long way to go before women are afforded equal pay and equal opportunities in our society.  Sadly, our society’s treatment and portrayal of women lags behind the laws that have been put in place to exact change.

         Feminism is not the problem.  Gender hegemony is the problem.  Those who have historically dominated others fight hard to maintain that dominance.  When the laws shift and threaten their power, they shift their tactics in order to convince the very people they dominate that their condition is not only better for them, but that those who seek equality are the enemy.  It appears, in your case, that strategy has been successful.

         As for me, I’m grateful for feminism.  I'm grateful for those who have fought to give me the right to vote, own land, sign contracts, make decisions about my body, get equal pay for equal work, etc.  I'm also grateful for men who aren’t threatened by equality.   Men and women feminists know that advocating for political, economic, social and cultural equality is a good thing.  THAT is feminism.  As for being treated "like a princess," I'll pass.  I’d rather be “the master of my fate,” and, “the captain of my soul.” (Henley, 1888).

 

Kate O’Neal

What's It To Me?

But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
~Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia, 1782~


If you don't go to the doctor often enough, they punish you by making you "update" your paperwork.  This means starting from scratch.  My son, Matt, and I were dutifully filling out paperwork for his annual visit the other day when the "religion" question appeared on the page in front of me.  
"Why do they need my religion?" he asked. 
 "So they know whom they should call if you die," I flatly responded.  We both laughed.  
"No, really." 
 "I have no idea." 
 I automatically began scribbling the usual default response,  "Christian" when it occurred to me: This is HIS paperwork, not mine.  "Hey, what do you want me to write?" I asked.  "Leave it blank," he said.  No malice.  No embarrassment.  Just, "leave it blank." And, I did.  


My son, at 14, has his own mind, and, frankly, I'm not concerned about his religious convictions.  I raised him to be open-minded...to be aware of hypocrisy...to question when he sees someone not practicing what he or she preaches. I want him to explore.  I want him to be exposed to different religions and even the idea of NO religion.  He is bright and compassionate and genuinely cares about other people.  He stands up for the oppressed, loves his family, is kind to others, and is an all-around good kid.  He may end up Buddhist, or Pagan, Jewish, Hindu or Agnostic or (dare I say?) Atheist. He may even end up worshiping the computer!  (He certainly seems to be heading in that direction.)  I have seen what passes for Christianity in this world, and I am not overly impressed.  He will be fine.

I laid the foundation.  It is up to him to build his own building.  It's also, at some point, none of my business.  I think we are rapidly approaching that point, if we are not there already.  Besides, it does me no injury for my son to say there are twenty Gods or no God.  It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.  And, it certainly doesn't change my opinion of him.  Not in the least.  And, (if there is a God) it won't change God's opinion of him either.    

Things Look a Lot DIfferent From Down Here

I wrote this a while back, but a recent conversation with someone brought this back to mind.  

To my son's doctor, who expressed his disgust with the current administration during my son's visit 

today....

Dear Dr. C;

You may remember me as the testy mom of Matt D. I may have seemed a little defensive when you started talking about “ObamaCare” and taxes, etc. during my son's visit today. I feel like I should explain why.

Once upon a time, I was married to someone who, like you, was a very smart, hardworking and accomplished man. He worked as an Aerospace Engineer and made a very good living, into 6 figures. Like many people who work hard for their money, he resented the government digging into his pockets to offer services to people that he felt were not as educated and hard working as he was. I could see why he felt that way. It is demotivating to work hard for your money and have no choice about it being taken away. I get it.

Because he made a good living, I stayed at home and raised our 3 children, putting my career on the back-burner. We had a nice house, vacationed once or twice a year, had medical coverage. Then he began to slip into a depression that cycled out of control. He made some disastrous financial decisions that depleted our savings and changed his life insurance policy without my knowledge. He eventually took his own life.

When he died, one of the first letters I got was notification that we no longer had medical coverage. Shortly after that, I got the other financial news. I was under-employed, in a house that was upside down due to the housing market drop, trying to help my 3 devastated and grieving children heal. I worked part time jobs and made it my full-time job to look for a full-time job. It took me, a college graduate with what amounted to around a 14 year gap in my work experience, eleven months to find a full time job. Eleven months of no medical coverage, very little money coming in, and a family in crisis.

My husband used to grumble when he saw how much was being taken out of his paycheck. Now his children live on that money. They are able to remain, at least for now, in the house he bought for them thanks to the Social Security benefits available to them. When I said we would be living in a trailer without it, I wasn’t exaggerating much. The job I have has medical benefits, but it is not a high paying position. I had to start near the bottom, my “reward” for staying home and dedicating myself to my children when they were young.

So, you see, it is easy to judge and grumble and resent things like healthcare legislation and taxes when you are looking down on them from a place of comfort. I have been in both positions, and I can tell you, things look a lot different from down here.

Kate O'Neal

Grow a Pair

I write this blog knowing full well it may offend the more conservative Christian friends I have somehow miraculously acquired.  To you, my sweet friends, I say, "Here is the real me!"  All the things you liked about me before this moment are still there.  But, I can no longer hide the fact that there is another side of me.  I am going to bare my sarcastic and irritated soul to you now.  Here are some things you should know about me.

(1) I won't shop or donate to The Salvation Army. 

(2) I wouldn't let my son join the Boy Scouts.  

(3) I won't shop at Lowes.  

(4) I won't eat at Chik-Fil-A.  

Why?  Because I will not support hypocrites and I will not reward stupidity.  

All-American, to me, shouldn't mean discriminatory.  Christian, to me, should not be synonymous with intolerance and judgment. 

It's really that simple.  

So, Chik-Fil-A and Salvation Army, although you purport to be  Christian organizations, you do something that Jesus never did.  I have a bible.  I dusted it off and checked. You judge and you discriminate.  Hey, I'm a pretty ho-hum Christian myself.  I grew up Catholic, which means that the Pope is my God (according to a Baptist I once met) and even I know that Jesus said "Love your neighbor as yourself."  I'm not sure how you're spinning that to justify your policy of intolerance, but you scream pretty loudly and seem pretty smug in your beliefs, so that must make you right.  Good luck with that.  I hope Jesus kicks your ass when you meet him.  Oh, wait.  Jesus would never do that, either!

Boy Scouts, welcome to the 21st century.  Perhaps your fear of pedophiles should be introduced to scientific data.  Boy Scouts, meet Jerry Sandusky.  Jerry Sandusky, meet the Boy Scouts.  It's not openly gay, upstanding citizens you should fear.  Take a good look at the "happily married do-gooder" with a burning desire to surround himself with children, especially ones from broken homes.  That seems to be the pattern. 

And, Lowes.  Where do I begin?  You caved in to FFA, a radical Christian group who was offended by a reality show about Muslims because the show didn't depict Muslims as wild-eyed, suicide bombers....you know, the way Muslims are in their scary dreams at night.  Sorry to disappoint you, Florida Family Association, but most Muslims are pretty innocuous.  Kind of like most Christians I know.  Except for Hitler, of course.  Oh, and you.  You're  freaking dangerous.   So Lowes, grow some balls and stand up to these nut-cases.  Advertise on any freaking show you want, even one about Muslims in America.  I used to shop at Lowes and I'm not afraid of  Muslims. And, you know, there are some Muslims who shop at Lowes, too. And, not just to buy fertilizer.