Grow a Pair

I write this blog knowing full well it may offend the more conservative Christian friends I have somehow miraculously acquired.  To you, my sweet friends, I say, "Here is the real me!"  All the things you liked about me before this moment are still there.  But, I can no longer hide the fact that there is another side of me.  I am going to bare my sarcastic and irritated soul to you now.  Here are some things you should know about me.

(1) I won't shop or donate to The Salvation Army. 

(2) I wouldn't let my son join the Boy Scouts.  

(3) I won't shop at Lowes.  

(4) I won't eat at Chik-Fil-A.  

Why?  Because I will not support hypocrites and I will not reward stupidity.  

All-American, to me, shouldn't mean discriminatory.  Christian, to me, should not be synonymous with intolerance and judgment. 

It's really that simple.  

So, Chik-Fil-A and Salvation Army, although you purport to be  Christian organizations, you do something that Jesus never did.  I have a bible.  I dusted it off and checked. You judge and you discriminate.  Hey, I'm a pretty ho-hum Christian myself.  I grew up Catholic, which means that the Pope is my God (according to a Baptist I once met) and even I know that Jesus said "Love your neighbor as yourself."  I'm not sure how you're spinning that to justify your policy of intolerance, but you scream pretty loudly and seem pretty smug in your beliefs, so that must make you right.  Good luck with that.  I hope Jesus kicks your ass when you meet him.  Oh, wait.  Jesus would never do that, either!

Boy Scouts, welcome to the 21st century.  Perhaps your fear of pedophiles should be introduced to scientific data.  Boy Scouts, meet Jerry Sandusky.  Jerry Sandusky, meet the Boy Scouts.  It's not openly gay, upstanding citizens you should fear.  Take a good look at the "happily married do-gooder" with a burning desire to surround himself with children, especially ones from broken homes.  That seems to be the pattern. 

And, Lowes.  Where do I begin?  You caved in to FFA, a radical Christian group who was offended by a reality show about Muslims because the show didn't depict Muslims as wild-eyed, suicide bombers....you know, the way Muslims are in their scary dreams at night.  Sorry to disappoint you, Florida Family Association, but most Muslims are pretty innocuous.  Kind of like most Christians I know.  Except for Hitler, of course.  Oh, and you.  You're  freaking dangerous.   So Lowes, grow some balls and stand up to these nut-cases.  Advertise on any freaking show you want, even one about Muslims in America.  I used to shop at Lowes and I'm not afraid of  Muslims. And, you know, there are some Muslims who shop at Lowes, too. And, not just to buy fertilizer.  

Starved for Attention

We are all starved for attention here.
Everyone in my household, including the submissive urinating dog, Kelly.
I've grown so accustomed to the demands of "look at me" and "I need help on this", the words barely register.
So, when I ran into a full-grown woman who is off the charts on the "I need attention" scale, I found it simultaneously fascinating and annoying.
I was with her for one hour.  One hour.  It only seemed like a week.
Now, don't get me wrong.  I admire people who do kind things for others.  I think it's a terrific way to spend one's time.  But, after an hour (that I can never get back) spent with "Nancy Notice-me" boring us with tales of her benevolence, monopolizing the conversation, not listening to anything anyone else had to say...I found myself struggling to not roll my eyes.
To amuse myself, I actually started counting the number of times she mentioned the word "cancer." 21 times.  In an hour.  Friends, I used to work in a hospice and heard the word less times in a week than this woman spit out in an hour.  Chemo, 13.   Homeless, 9.  I started to wonder if shaving her head was more out of support for her friend with cancer, or to draw attention to herself in order to gain praise as a good person/friend.  When she couldn't make the meeting we were planning, she didn't say, "I have a prior obligation."  Nooooo.  She launched into a full-blown (and very loud) story of how she can't go because she will be working at a soup kitchen feeding the homeless. OH! And, then she will be driving her friend to chemo. OH YEAH! And, then saving baby seals from being clubbed to death.  (I might have made that last one up.)
Why did this annoy me so much?  Why?  I had to give this some thought.  This was my conclusion.  This annoyed me because I believe our motivations should be pure.  Good should be done with no expectation of reward or praise.  Otherwise, it is tarnished.
Ultimately, Needy Nancy did me a favor.  She forced me to not only look at myself but to make a vow to continue examining why I am moving in this new direction.  As a result, I have promised myself that, wherever I end up going, personally and professionally, I will keep my focus on doing the right thing for the right reasons.  (Don't roll your eyes.)

Just say YES

When my kids were little, I made it a practice to say the word "no" as little as possible.  I did my best to turn everything into a "yes".   While the other moms were saying "NO! Don't do that!" or  "No!  You can't have that!" I worked at turning it around to say what they COULD do and what they COULD have and point that out.  I believe it has made my kids the kind of people who focus on the good things....on what they are able to do....what they are capable of doing.  They've all turned out well.  I want that for myself, too...

I try to surround myself with people who say YES to life, YES to possiblities, YES to taking chances, YES to evolving, YES to transformation.  YES, I will help you write a One-Woman-Show (Jay Hopkins).  YES, I will produce it for you. (Denna Eramo, Richard Paul, Jester Theatre) YES, I will meet you for lunch and chat about possibilities. (Bob Kodzis) Yes, you can do that! (Josh Vickery) Yes, here is a name of someone who can help. (Bob Kodzis) Yes, I'm in! (Jim Rhinehart) 

 YES! YES! YES!

SO, today and always, I am grateful for the YES!  And, for all the people who say YES to life! 

Everyone Should Know a Genius

Jim Rhinehart moved away.  Far away.  But, I felt as though he was here with me during my show.  That's because he was here with me during my show...via the pre-recorded music he generously provided.  Mr. Jim Rhinehart composed the music to the theme song for "Well, Since You Asked," which was the PERFECT beginning for the show.  He also played three other songs, made cuts, changed keys, and called me a "diva".  All in a days work...if you are Jim.

Jim = genius.  

I adore him.  

I could not have done it without him.  

I would not have wanted to do it without him.  

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jim Rhinehart.  

I am thrilled to work with you, proud to know you, and honored to call you a friend.  

Epinephrine, aka Adrenaline

Adrenaline is amazing.  We have all heard stories of "super-human" strength due to a surge of adrenaline during a stressful situation.  

• In 1982, a mother lifted a 1964 Chevy Impala off her teenaged son, after it fell off the jacks and pinned him underneath.  
• In 2006, in Quebec, a mother tackled and wrestled a polar bear that was coming after her son and fought it while her son and his friend ran for help.  
• Marie Payton, a grandmother in Texas, tossed a riding lawnmower off her granddaughter who had been knocked down and was underneath the still-running machine. 

And, the most recent incident:

• In 2011, Kate O'Neal carried a one-woman show, for a staggering 90 minutes (at least 20 excruciating minutes longer than was thought humanly possible or recommended) without passing out, wetting herself, or running screaming out of the theatre.  She remembers very little of the show, however.  The surge of adrenaline distorted both perception and time and 4 out of 5 of the human senses.  Anyone with reports of the incident, please contact Kate and offer details of the event so it can be documented for the record.  

Flashback to College

"Well, Since You Asked" will include music from "Astrosurf," the band I was in when I was in college.  The talented and delightful Frank Haney (of Lust and Rust fame) sent me some mp3s from the album we made back in the day.  Get ready to ride the amber waves!  

Diva?

The amazingly talented Jim Rhinehart has written the theme song for my show...and I love it.
Love it, love it, love it!
For those of you who don't know Jim, he is an amazing pianist and musical improv master who is finishing up his Doctorate in Composition at Ball State University in Indiana.
He sent the song to me as an mp3 with him singing it; what a fabulously dry delivery style! <3
It made me happy to hear his voice.
And, it's in the perfect key...for him. :-)
So I popped him an e-mail asking if he could drop it a little...
His response?

"diva.      :-)"

He was joking, of course.                     He was joking, right?

I adore Jim Rhinehart.


And, if you knew him, you would adore him, too.

The end.

One-Woman Shows are Scary When You Are the One Woman

As I contemplate everything that could potentially go wrong with this show, as I tend to do, I pause to remind myself that I have made a fool of myself many times in the past...and somehow survived it.
Anyone who has ever done a one-woman or one-man show knows...it's daunting.  A LOT of memorization, but beyond that....you are putting yourself out there, alone.  If it fails, it's because of YOU.  And, who wants to fail?  Most of us spend our lives doing everything we can to avoid failure.  Take it from me.  Avoiding failure is a lot of work.  And, unfulfilling.
My show is my thoughts...me...and I am doing it for many reasons, but mainly because I am afraid to do it.  Yet, simultaneously compelled to do it.  Weird, I know.  But, without exception, every time I have faced a fear and pushed through it, it has taken me one step closer to who I'm supposed to be.  
And, if this experience, this show, takes me one step closer to who I'm supposed to be, it will be a good thing.  No matter what.

Well, Since You Asked...

My one-woman show, "Well, Since You Asked..." will be playing at the Garden Theatre in Winter Garden Florida on Friday and Saturday, November 11th and 12th at 8:00 p.m.  Call to reserve tickets!  Their number is (407) 877-4736.  It is hard to find the page, so here it is!
http://gardentheatre.org/community/index.html